bookbabe1999 (bookbabe1999) wrote,

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The Rules of Cereal

Last week, D complained because his Fruity Pebbles were soggy. Initially, I thought in my head, "Well, that's because you fell victim to one of the classic blunders of Fruity Pebbles," but then it occurred to me me that he might not know the rules of cereal (land wars in Asia, and all). So, below, are some helpful guidelines for eating cereal.

  • Do not put too much cereal in your bowl; otherwise, when you pour the milk, everything overflows. Aim for 2/3 of a bowl.
  • When pouring the milk, you really only need enough milk to get everything moist, unless you're a bowl-drinker.
  • While you may think you are better served by using a big spoon, smaller spoons are better for avoiding messes.
  • Drinking the milk from your bowl is optional.

  • Fruity Pebbles, while tasty, are also notoriously fickle, and get really limp really quickly. Don't pour the milk unless you are ready to eat them immediately; potty breaks have to wait until you are done with the bowl. Don't use a lot of milk, as that just makes them soggy more quickly. If you have a few soggy ones left in your bowl, you can improve things by pouring in more Fruity Pebbles. However, your milk is only good for two bowls -- any more than that, and the milk is gross-looking and much too sweet.
  • Frosted Flakes also suffer from sogginess. So do all flake cereals (with the exception of Bran Flakes, and maybe Special K). Many of the above rules apply.
  • Rice Chex is one of the few cereals that benefit from eating them with a large spoon, due to the size of the Chex. I suggest straining off the excess milk before ingesting.
  • Frosted Mini-Wheats have a variety of sub-rules, based on size. If you are eating the regular Mini-Wheats, break the individual biscuits in half before putting them in the bowl -- this helps avoid Splooging Wheat Syndrome (similar to Splooging Chicken Kiev Syndrome). While the Bite Size Mini-Wheats may be an easier size for eating, the frosting tends to clump together, and cuts up the roof of your mouth -- use caution. Straining the Mini-Wheats by pushing your spoon against the edge of the bowl before eating helps maximize the wheat-to-milk ratio.
  • Special K is yummy on its own -- you don't need to add sugar. However, Corn Flakes often benefit from a little honey.
  • Cheerios are supposed to be eaten with bananas. I, however, hate bananas. Use your own discretion.
  • Trader Joe's Gluten-Free Granola tastes best with vanilla yogurt. So does Grape Nuts.
  • Honeycomb and Froot Loops are two cereals that actually taste better without any milk. Use milk if you want, but beware the soggy factor.
  • There are several reasons to avoid Lucky Charms: 1) the marshmallows don't taste like real marshmallows, and by the time you wait for them to soften up in the milk, the rest of your cereal is soggy; 2) if you have kids, they are just going to eat the marshmallows and leave behind a bowl of uneaten oat pieces; 3) the leprechaun and his tormentors are just annoying.
  • Certain cocoa cereals are better than others. Cocoa Krispies are actually pretty good, as are dry Cocoa Puffs. But these are better as an after-school/work snack.
  • Kix are sexist -- "mother-approved," my fanny. They aren't bad, but if your parents bought you these and Life as a "healthy" alternative to those sugar cereals (because you were only allowed to eat the healthy stuff), they are a poor substitution. It's like eating Tofurkey and expecting it to taste like real turkey. Respect Kix and Life for what they are (mildly sweet, vaguely cardboard-y, and really gross when soggy), and get your sugar kicks elsewhere.
  • Trix has changed shapes a lot. They don't taste like Kix on a bender. Be thankful that they returned to their previous round shape -- the fruit shape was much too sweet and sticky. 
  • Cap'n Crunch tastes better dry -- it does weird things to your milk. Crunch Berries is vastly superior, but to mitigate the taste of Cap'n Crunch, the preferred ratio of Berries to Cap'n is 2:1 (WARNING: This will leave you with extra Cap'n). Or, better yet, wait for the special Oops All Berries to come out again.
  • Don't eat Total. It's boring. Cracklin' Oat Bran is tastier, even if it looks like kibble.
If you eat cereal with rice or soy milk, your taste results may differ. But soggy cereal is eternal, regardless of the "milk" you use.

Of course, YMMV. Cereal configurations may change without notice. Maybe they will someday make a Fruity Pebble that stays crispy in milk -- but I doubt it.
Tags: boy, cereal, rules
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